luminousBrink

It is crazy to think that in less than 10 days I will be graduating college. Five years ago, I graduated high school and I was more active with my art because I maintained a consistent practice in school with my art classes and I felt more passion and motivation. Over the past year, I have tried to keep up with small sketches here and there -- I also have a few pictures I plan to draw once I graduate. I am still mostly using traditional mediums -- graphite pencil and colored pencil. But over the last year I have been really enjoying the gray paper and using a white or colored pencil over it. Maybe I will upload newer pieces here on Deviantart, although I generally plan to use Instagram and Twitter as well. Deviantart is a place I will always come back to because it is where I felt the original surge of inspiration when I was in grade school, being able to come online and see millions of artwork from artists anywhere in the world. It made me want to be a better artist and improve my work and I felt that one day, I could produce great art and even go to an art school or make a living out of art. I have important memories stored here.

It's 2018 now and I am receiving my bachelor's degree soon (in Sociology), and although I don't have concrete plans, I do want to save up a lot of money this year and also travel. In addition, I want to plan out how the next couple of years will go. I definitely want to find a job in a non-profit organization but am not sure exactly where that will lead me. All the time I think about what would my life be like if I decided to major in an art related degree back in my sophomore year of college. I took a couple of classes and then dropped the idea and went forth with my current major...within me I knew I couldn't handle the intensity and challenges that being an art major would require and also I felt already, even with just one semester of art classes, that I would be burnt out of something I enjoyed doing and that taking art classes and being an art major would result in my distaste for art or I feared I would be forcing myself to produce art for the sake of an assignment. I didn't want to be squeezed dry but it turns out that it sort of happened regardless, because fast forward 3 years and I do not have the same passion I once did.

My dream in high school was to attend an art school, such as SCAD or something renowned in New York. I wanted to live my life as an artist. At the time, I didn't know the exact type of art I wanted to focus on, although now as I think of it every so often, it would be Illustration as my degree choice with maybe a minor in something else. I also was interested in graphic design. Sometimes I do regret not pursuing art, academically. But it is what it is. That's why now, I try to draw and find potential subject matter for portrait drawings either in graphite or colored pencil. 2017 & 2018 truly has been a time frame in which I have had a rekindled interest in seriously getting back into drawing more, so I feel confident that I can develop more skills and produce some artwork. I know I am only 23 years old, but when I think that I was 16 years old and making strong pieces of art that I poured much time and care into, that leaves me a little upset with myself that 7 years later, I have not been able to "top" that. But I guess I shouldn't focus on being better than my past self, because I am different now and I chose to do something else with my university path. Still, I always envision myself doing something with art in the future. And I know if I let go of it, it would be a mistake. That's also my conflict -- I am considering pursuing a field in non profit work but I know that what I really want (or wanted) for myself was to be an artist Well, these are all just 3am thoughts anyways...

I just wrote a good ass journal and it got deleted........
I have lately been trying to write more in my physical paper journal but I still like to type some sort of diddly small thing on here every now and then. I arrived back to the U.S. on July 31 & I have been back for over two months ........ Yes I miss S. Korea a lot. There are many things I wanted to do and see but I will look forward to it in the future.
And this month I am aiming to go to the Career Fair..I may or may not find something there but it is something I *need* to go to...Since I only have one year until I graduate if I remain on this consistent (lifeless) path of college. I need to find an internship but also for personal development I want to put myself out there a little more and do adult shit......Hopefully sometime in the next year (because I only have one year left so I KIND OF need to do something semi-productive and relevant to my life instead of working at the Barrel as a slave to an endless cycle of customer service and consumerism) I can make a plan for myself......OR I can continue with what I have been doing (aka nothing and just going about my day with sort of a plan but not really, I have had the same book bag since high school and my room is always disgusting which reflects my actual drive to make my life organized and purposeful......).
MAYBE something will happen soon to where I can figure out what it is I am doing....Also I want to get back into my art..i tried to this year and I wasn't very successful. it makes me sad because I know if I maintained my art since high school up to this point I could be doing very different things with my education and career possibly. But sometimes that's the way the cookie crumbles...

I am feeling a little better now leading up to my departure BUT I am still going to be heavily anxious/worry-driven and nervous moments before I leave. It's just the entire process of the airport/riding is so foreign to me. And also my phone situation is giving me a little bit of uneasiness but hopefully that will be resolved soon.  I have several more things to purchase before I leave and once that's done I just need to review what I need to do at the airport as well as maybe studying some Korean however I know that I probably won't get to the Korean part much because of my normal procrastination...
Doing yoga has helped me, body-wise, health-wise and mind-wise. At least I FEEL better...And I am hoping it's not just me THINKING i feel better. 

I still dont have my drivers license. That's ok though because I can continue walking for the rest of my lifelong days of bliss. Im going to be a senior in college. That's funny because I just looked back onto my journal entries here and saw what i wrote about starting senior year....of high school. That's 4 years. I hope I have accomplished *some* things since then, if not then that's a huge damn problem. 
I am going to study abroad in Seoul this summer, for one month, if all goes well. When I look back and view my life thus far, my entrance into college was definitely a new book. I would like to say that going abroad will be the next book. The book I am on now, I feel as if though it has been lacking the climax, action, resolution, meaning, depth, etc. that would be integral for a fascinating read. But that isn't necessarily bad? It could just mean that this book was supposed to be unremarkable and not as vigorously emotional and cathartic as I envisioned it. So not everything has to be amazing all the time. I don't have to build a palace or travel to every corner and touch every piece of grass in the world. I mean. I want to -- that is still my goal, but as of this moment I feel somewhat content just being...plain. Plain can be good..? .......? Plain can be good. Plain bagel. Plain oatmeal. Plain potatoes. Plain rice. (Carbs). When something is plain then it is an open landscape -- it is untraversed, and unsoiled and therefore instead of already having a set flavor, it can be a canvas (I dont want to use this overused word) for a multitude of other spices, seasonings, ingredients and components. I love food. So maybe this book and the next book were like a 2 parter (but not to made into a cinematography, no. You don't need to be seeing my washed up face on the screen. Anywhere or anytime) and thats why this book has been going steady for a while and kind of "hguh" for a while. Im not using meh or eh because that is not an accurate letter description and that shit. It's PLAYED.. Hguh is fine. Hguh has a lot of meaning endowed within it. it works. Im going with it ok.

Also work made me sweat today bc mothers day thats why and also this whole week and last week was sweat-filled as well and I am still working on an unfinished final exam that was due 2 days ago and also but one good thing my poop has been beautiful because I had around 5 grapefruits this week and it rendered my bowel movements into a symphonic medley of time and space and energy and Yes. Ok. And I don't care if I have a defecation fixation. I need to get my shit in order for this trip bc if i dont, i mean I will still be a scumdirtbag regardless but I would love to be a scumdirtbag that is at least casually and lightly dusted and maybe wiped down a little so it doesn't look entirely like a bombarded loaf of bread thrown into the lake with the fish and the other creatures with gills (hopefully one day i will stop eating you all). 

I'm trying to keep up with my deviantart! I haven't draw so much in a year. Just some here and there. Now that summer is has gone pretty deep I want to try to get more drawing done. I want to try to sharpen my realistic drawing skills but I also want to draw and create from my mind, something I envision so much but have trouble doing It's really a shame I have fallen out of that, and it makes me upset to think about how much art has gone away from me since I started college and my first job. I don't have any summer classes so I am just trying to work as much as I can (even though that only amounts to about 20-25 hours a week ). It's good to work and hang out with friends almost every day. So this summer has been more exciting than my past ones, but I don't want to lose touch with who I have been. I miss drawing, manga, anime, and video games ahahah. I'm trying to slowly submerge myself back into that! I really don't want to lose those hobbies/passions of mine. Hopefully the rest of this summer I can enjoy more of those things. I'm still in my dorm, living out the rest of my lease. Then I will be back at home from the end of July to mid August with my family! I miss them so much, so I am very excited I'll get to be with them. Then I move into my new dorm...to start my sophomore year. Yeah I think I also have lost my witty writing and tone. Eng 1102 hurt me so roodly and I started  questioning my writing. Gone are the days where I was creative and had confidence in my writing and imagination. I remember when I used to think of characters and picture their lives and fantasy. I used to write and draw some fantastic things. Sigh...I'm mourning my past lol. Well I am still the same person. I'm just changing a little. Watching a lot of anime movies (mostly Ghibli) has imbued my mind with the urge to do something with my heart or soul. Something creative...I want to transfer myself to another world, a world of something surreal and unreal to us. I want to see more of this world definitely, that is one of my life goals, but I also always yearn to lengthen my grasp so I could maybe reach another one...




--Isla